From Heartbreak to Breakout
My first-ever boyfriend broke up with me on Valentine's Day. By card. Rather, the eartag of a huge, white teddy bear with pink, heart-shaped paw-pads.
He– my boyfriend– had red hair and was covered in freckles, and he wore an Eagles Starter Jacket. We had lunch period and earth science together. It was a middle school romance and I was in the kind of love captured in the first tracks of a Taylor Swift album.
We “dated” for exactly 11 school days.
Anyway, at lunch he gave me this bear and I was SO excited. I eagerly, giddily read the tag:
“We need to break up. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
I did what any middle school girl would do trying to self-preserve. I forced a laugh and told him he was, like, SO FUNNY, and I tried to hold his hand. He rejected my hand and said that we needed to break up because he didn’t like me “like that anymore.” I was crushed.
That was the first time I really felt someone step on my heart, but it certainly wasn’t the last. Throughout my life, romantic partners and friends and parents and life experiences have broken my heart in more ways than I can count.
Each time, I question myself: what did I do to earn this hurt? What could I have done to prevent this? Why me? Why don’t they like me?
Once I wipe away the initial, startled anguish tears, I focus on the growth stuff. What part of this do I own? What part of this really isn’t about me? What have I learned from this experience (the good, the yikes, the better never think about it again)?
When I’ve really thought about it, one theme keeps popping back up. I’ve discovered that those breaks happened because of growth: that is, we’ve outgrown each other. We no longer bring out the best in one another. One or both of us is embarking on something new and scary, and that opportunity has highlighted the fragility of our shared experience or the irreparable cracks in our foundations. Or, radically, I’m breaking up with my old self in order to really become the person I’m reaching to be.
As much as it sucks, heartbreak can be a catalyst for growth and change.
Acknowledge the Pain. Yes, it’s painful. And acknowledging that hurt is the first necessary, difficult step towards whatever’s next.
Embrace Vulnerability. This is a new, hard-won superpower. It's (more than) okay to feel, to grieve, and to be open to the raw emotions that accompany a broken heart; watch out for being consumed by them.
Learn from it. Like I mentioned above, use this as an opportunity for self-reflection (but NOT self-flagellation). What elements deserve to go into deep storage, and what do you want to keep at the ready for this next phase?
Be gentle with yourself. Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a dear friend.
(Re)Discover who you are. Use this time to figure out who you are now. What are your passions, dreams, and values that may have taken a back seat? What do you WANT?
Find your unicorn herd. Heartbreak can be lonely, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Call on your support system.
Whether it’s a romantic ending, or you’re saying goodbye to who you were, there’s a delicate balance to strike as you heal. Tend to your heart, feel your feels, and get ready for the new resilience that will arrive (with a bang or a whiff) on the other side.
For all the times I’ve been “not liked like that” by others or even myself, I wouldn’t trade those experiences for the person I’ve become because of them. She’s pretty excellent, even though she’s not for everyone.
And neither are you.
And that’s something to cherish.
